This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Randomize
