I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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