Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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