I could have mohawked her pubes.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
