Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Randomize
