Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Randomize
