Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
