She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
