Having a random hookup so left but love u
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.