Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
