If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
