Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
