Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
