MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
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