And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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