when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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