he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
