She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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