I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Randomize
