upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
