Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I didn't notice because vodka
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
