my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
