dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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