I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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