just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
how drunk are you?
Several
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
