I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
