Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
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