If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
