I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Randomize
