There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
