the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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