it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
NoShamevember. You game?
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
