If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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