nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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