We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
