masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
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