really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
