thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
A+ Viking dick
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
