do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
love makes seman taste better
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
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