Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
