I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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