Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
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