im drinking this country out of the recession.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
