Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
