We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
