Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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