Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
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