I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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