so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
