The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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