oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
