Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize