While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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