i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
