dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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