Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Randomize
