the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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